Now that Raj Thackeray has been arrested the country is waiting with tension as to what havoc will his " enraged" supporters wreak on Mumbai.I must admit,I am no good in these situations.My heart flutters and palpitations attack. I bite my nails down to the cuticle and my breath comes in shallow gasps.I am sure there are others who react the same way. Not for us fiery words and morchas..........we prefer Gandhi ji's methods as they are as good for our health as they are for the nation's health and image.
Keeping this in mind, I along with some of my friends have decided that the following charter of action should be followed to get Raj to see sense (if such an eventuality is possible at all).
The North Indians are beginning to leave Mumbai anyway so why not just follow through en masse with a Mumbai Chodo movement. For those not familiar with the national language that would be a Quit Mumbai movement. Lets do it voluntarily. Sounds good?? It does to my coterie here but our caveat (we have only one) is that Raj does not get to choose who leaves (poor migrant workers) and who stays( Mukesh Ambani). Raj and his estranged uncle and cousin have been wanting to restore Marath pride and what could be more damaging to that pride than these rich non Marathi tycoons flaunting there success and wealth. So here goes.......The list is more or less in the order in which these non marathis should leave:
1) Mukesh Ambani must leave first simply because he is the richest Indian and is stationed in Mumbai even when he is a plain and simple Gujarati. On top of his many millions that he manly invests in Gujarat (remember the Jamnagar behemoth) he has also dared to cause grievous harm to the Marathi pride by building a 40 storey steel and glass tower to use as his private residence.His sins are many so out he goes. I need not tell you that when he leaves he will be taking all his offices/investments and millions with him. I agree a few thousand direct employees and a few lakh indirect beneficiaries will be affected by his departure but so what? Raj and his Marathi manoos will have their pride restored.
Oh yes,another thing. All Reliance family stocks will have to be de- listed from the Bombay stock exchange and the brokers who make millions via these stocks will just have to move their base to Gujarat or wherever Mukesh chooses to setttle down.
2) Whatever I said about Mukesh applies to Anil Ambani also (except the 40 storey house. Anil has not yet started any such self congratulatory monument). Anil you will have to go too and preferably to a state where you do not need to see and squabble with your bade bhaiyya on a daily basis.
3) Shahrukh Khan needs to be next on the list as he is the most prominent personality of Bollywood. The Ambanis still are from a proximate state but look at Shahrukh's cheek..........he is from far away Delhi and he has the audacity to capture the entire Bollywood and even the hearts of Marathi babes. ( Shh... don''t even mention that he happens to be a Muslim.If Raj's uncle hears that ,there will be trouble for him on that count too.) Shahrukh's crimes are many but mainly he has taken over the film world and makes Hindi movies in Maharashtra.He has bought a heritage building as his home.What arrogance??
Ok, Shahrukh out you go,back to Delhi with Gauri and kids in tow. From now make your Hindi movies in the Hindi speaking parts of the country and make sure no non Hindi speaker ever sees or participates in your movies. For those of you worried that the film industry will be lost without its biggest money spinner please remember this is not about trivial things like money but the pride of the Marathi manoos.
4) Whatever applies to Shahrukh (except his success quotient) applies to Hrithik, Sanjay Dutt, Salman Khan, Amir Khan, Akshay Kumar, Akshay Khanna, Shiney Ahuja, the Deol family and any other non marathi actor. Please leave now And I have not even come to the babes as yet.
Rani off to Bengal please.And take that Bipasha the bomb with you.Bengal's film industry will welcome you I am sure. They might not want Tanushree and Celina back but take them with you any way. I have a feeling Raj might have had them in mind when saying North Indians corrupt the culture of Maharashtra!
Aishwarya, you need to choose between Mangalore and U.P. ( and remember its your father in law who has caused all this trouble by leaving the banks of Ganga to come and live in the land of the shrinking/stinking Mithi river).
Kajol, your case is complicated but by virtue of your Marathi mom you will be allowed to stay back but minus that Punjabi husband of yours.What did you ask? Who will you make movies with?? Kajol where is your marathi pride? You are worried about making movies?? You should not have made movies with these actors who are not the sons of the soil,in the first place.
Hema Malini, you can pack your bags and take off for Chennai with Esha and Ahana. Ai ai yo. It will be hard for you, I know as your husband will be moving to the opposite corner of India.
5) Adi Godrej and Nusli Wadia, thank your stars that the rest of India is not like Maharashtra otherwise it would have been off to Iran for you guys( and the mullahs wouldn't have welcomed you there either). You can choose any other state except Kashmir ofcourse.And be careful about choosing Arunachal Pradesh. China is already claiming it and our comrades in CPM are strangely quiet on the subject.
6)Yash Chopra, Karan Johar, Javed Akhtar, Gulzar, Shabana Azmi you too will have to go, I am afraid. I know Mumbai without films and poetry will be a poorer place but never mind. Maybe Thackeray senior will have marathi poetry ready to be dished out via the party paper, Saamna
7) All Sikhs will have to go back to Punjab. The auto parts business will collapse, I know, but what to do.Some sacrifices are required in order to restore pride of the marathi manoos.
8) All taxi drivers who are not from Maharashtra please hand in the keys to your smoke spewing fiats and get out now. How will the city travel??? Who knows. Maybe the all- maharashtrian dabba walas association will figure out a system to transport those who are still left in Mumbai after the north Indians have left. The mumbai trains are like dabbas anyway.
9) Dhobiwallas,dudhwallas,sabziwal
10) All Muslim craftsmen from U.P who do all that dextrous zardozi work and stitch so exquisitely for the fashion designers can start looking for work in Delhi maybe. Anyway if all the non marathi designers leave then there will be no takers for your skills anyway.
I could go on and on but I think this is good for a start.
I think Mumbai should be ok with this clean up. What say you??
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